I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
PANTIES FOUND
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
