If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
