i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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