I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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