I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
