respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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