I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
this will be a night to untag.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
