Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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