she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
