I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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