I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
