I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
