Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
