I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
how does that bad decision feel?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
