Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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