Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize