i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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