I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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