all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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