Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
