Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
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