oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
