Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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