she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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