The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
