My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
