I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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