Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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