Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
