New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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