Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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