Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
