Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Your cock deserves a montage
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
