I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
