I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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