we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
