a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
