he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
