It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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