he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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