We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
