i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize