thus making me awesome and them whores
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can feel your judgement through the phone
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
