you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
