I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
