this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
