I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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