New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
