I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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