I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
