chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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