Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
