Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
