last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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