On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
