I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Operation Purity has been aborted
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize