When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
